I don’t get Empire. That shit is confusing. Not that I can’t understand the plots or storylines. That’s very surface level and elementary. And predictable. Kinda like an episode of “Saved by the Bell.” But it doesn’t make sense and is unrealistic. And that bothers me. I know its TV, but damn. I like to think that I am a fairly rational guy. I like for the entertainment that I take in to be believable. I know that it is fake but I at least like for the human reaction to be…something that I think could happen. Empire isn’t that. The acting sucks. Like “Madea Saves Christmas” sucks. I don’t know if that is really a movie but if it is, I am sure it’s acting would suck. Just like Empire. The storylines move too fast. A cliff hanger only lasts until the next commercial break. And the songs? Don’t get me started on the songs. All of the songs seem like a cry for a relationship for your daddy. All that damn whining. And that irritates me…like going to Popeyes and telling me to pull up because they don’t have any chicken ready. How don’t you have any chicken ready? Your name is literally POPEYES CHICKEN! Yeah, that’s how Empire irritates me. I just finished watching this week’s episode and I am literally rolling my eyes because it’s that cheesy.

Let’s start with Lucious Lyon. I don’t get this dude. Sensitive Thug. I don’t know what he is. One minute he is rapping like he was an original member of Wu-Tang and next minute he is singing ballads. Like this mix of Master P and Maxwell has got to stop. First you are a crip then a classically trained pianist. I’m confused bro. Either you are Bone Thugs N Harmony or you are D’Angelo. Can’t be both. Cheesy Bro. Very Cheesy.

                                                         Lucious’s Falsetto Face from last night’s episode

(Sidenote: Coincidentally pianist, when pronounced right, sounds a lot like penis. I know it has nothing to do with this, just thought I would bring it up. )

Next is black america’s favorite, Cookie. Cookie is tacky and loud. She reminds me of the kind of mamas who go to the school and cuss out the teachers because their kid failed a class. She seems like she would walk into a fast food restaurant on her phone talking loud and letting everybody in her business. Cookie is the reason Subway doesn’t want you on the phone when you place your order. Cookie and Jared (too soon?). And she can’t dress. Her style is a mix of Easter and Mary J. Blige’s “My Life” album. If you are one of those women who likes Cookie’s style, you probably wore black stockings and white shoes to church this past Sunday. (If you did, stop reading now. Please) Another thing, what woman is still whooping her grown ass kids every time they disobey her? She whoops Hakeem like he didn’t do the dishes or something. Look I love my mama with all my heart. But if my mama was still alive today and tried to whoop me as a grown ass man, we are gonna have to get it in blood. She better be prepared to stick and move because I am throwing punches in bunches. I ain’t just gonna let somebody mash on me, mama or not. UNREALISTIC.

Then there is the issue of the music. How does Jamal sing in autotune when he is singing acapella? Like he is cyborg or something. And he has a Pac like work ethic, doesn’t he? Dude produces like an album a day. And every song on the album is about how his dad is mean and how unkind the world is. Dude, it’s depressing. I got my own daddy issues. I don’t want to be reminded in the club that mine didn’t come to my football games when I was a kid. And Hakeem’s rhymes are whack too. I don’t have any explanation for it. Just lame. Coldest rapper on Empire is Freda Gatz who is a cross between DMX and Kesha from “New Jack City.” Also the whole virgin/engagement storyline with Hakeem and the Latin chick is lame too. I mean, who really wants a virgin except Mormons? (Sorry, Mormons) This is too cheesy and I am lactose intolerant.

But even with all of that, I didn’t get super irritated until last night’s episode. For 2 seasons, when Lucious flashes back into his life to his mother, she is played by the beautiful Kelly Rowland. Now I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Kelly is one of our sisters with that beautiful melanin in her skin. Toned. Brown. Well last night, they flash forward and surprise, Lucious’s mama is alive. But that wasn’t the surprise to me. The real surprise is that she is light skinned! What in the Lil Kim is going on over here? How did that happen? I know it is TV and fake but damn. At least TRY to make it seem believable. Like this bothers me. I yell from the rafters how stupid this. I call BS, but no one listens to me. So until they do, I will sit back, watch every week and complain while I eat my Popeyes, pissed because they just stopped the $5 Box and this show doesn’t make any sense.

That damn Popeyes and Empire is driving my pressure up.

TK